I have been bashing my ugly for years. 

Wishing them away, pushing them aside.

I have been yearning to overcome them, transform them, heal them. 

• Drop 15 pounds
• Stop shamefully losing my mind
• Quit pushing love away acting in fear, so ugly
• Knowing yet hiding Gods divine light I am

I have gone to confession and been forgiven

Yet when facing unloved response I slip on my ugly armor again and forget Gods again

Time and distance from my youth have taken the extreme away

Non Violent communication practice better hide the volcano interrupting below better than it did before

My sacred heart allows me to give the lava of upset, anger, hurt and shame to God

 His mercy covers me when as ask more frequently now

Yet ugly is still here, protecting me.

Another 5 pounds creep on – no one will see me now, no one will tempt me now, no one will love me now…

Telling me it is here to keep me safe from unwanted drama while I’m trapped helpless

I might be safe from attention I do not have the time for, yet the cover feels grim.

Yet, when I stop you, cover you, starve you and try to give you away no matter what I do, you stay – my ugly – my savior 

My ugly eruption – has changed things and saved lives

My layer of weight kept me safe when I could not trust myself to respect myself or others 

My ugly has kept people at bay who may have hurt me

My ugly has helped me be heard when I was surrounded by the blind and def 

Other people have made you wrong, called you names, labeled you bad.

But God has shown me how He has worked in me through you –

God’s hand has taught me that He trust’s me and I can trust myself – I would not know this without you

God’s heart has asked me to whisper my needs to Him – I would not know this without you

God’s mercy has separated the dangerous from my reality – I would not know this without you

You have done a good job protecting me, defending me and helping me believe. – I would not know how powerful God is without you. 

 

Thank you ugly for all that you have done for me –

I see you are holding on to me for dear life and for that I will hold you back 

Thank you  for letting me be heard – from the beginning you have saved me, my family and our souls

Thank you ugly for coming out so God could open my eyes, open their eyes and start to heal what is only ours to give up. 

Because under the ugly, the wrong and sin, God does not plant more of it, under the ugly is God’s seed even more powerful than just me.

Pure, powerful, free and beautiful that is me.

I know if ever I need to call on you – ugly you will be there to protect me again.  

You are loyal and caring, sweet and nurturing.  

God love my ugly – I trust only you can. It’s done a great job keeping me safe as it can. 

I love you ugly and if I see you again, I will look at myself with compassion and thank you for all the times you saved my life, defended me and in doing so – set the nations free.

 

 

By Antiqua Libbey a Diary of Expression – 2013