A diary of Expression –
I have been trying to find a balance – asking God for clarity. How does one go BIG and change lives, love large and change the world like Christ did if we cower to look at ourselves not of children of God but as the weaklings fighting our sinful nature. WELL, this has come up a few times, along with God’s words pulsating through my heart “walk in the fruit of the Spirit….. and there is no law.” (Gal. 5-22)
When you are doing kind, good, just, wonderful, loving things in the world and being lead (as best as you can) by the love that is Spirit, then BE a SHINING light in a dark world. For those who have questioned my boldness at times thank you for I am learning through you.
To the leader who said to me questionably this week ” I read you said online YOU are a light…” I am not sure where he read it, or if I said it or someone said it about me and it has taken me days to sit with his questioning. Feeling wrong, for being so bold to say I am a light. I felt the condemnation and questioned myself. During the questioning, I responded that I was not sure what he was quoting (and I am still not) and he was OK with me re-framing that God is the light and shrinking to fit within this box our conversation continued. I left seeking God’s answer am I supposed to think I suck and God is all when for some reason God made me. And since we reap what we sow (Gal 6:7). Why would God want us to sow a self loathing attitude towards His creation? The commandment would not make much sense if we are to hate ourselves yet treat your neighbor as you would want to be treated. How do you treat someone you loath and are ashamed of?
That is what some practice living in shame and guilt, shrinking in fear of feeling so too thrilled about who we are and what we are doing. Rather than owning the Light within. Getting up each day and putting on the armor of God, lighting the fire of the Spirit and letting it shine out, basking in the gratitude that we are children of the one and only creator God and giving thanks for this opportunity to be awesome. It is a choice to surrender, to love, to bask, to follow, to allow Spirit to work within and listen to Gods words written for YOU on YOUR heart – if you choose it then OWN it (that does not mean you’re going to turn into a boast “I’m better than look at me be so awesome” jerk) stop fearing your greatness. I felt lead to Paul boasting – he also gave thanks to God for walking him through his life, but he boasted in 2- Corinthians about his weakness yet that weakness gave him strength because God has walked Him through some pretty awesome testimonies to boast about. I asked God if I can approach my life this same way.
I get the whole surrender thing and practice quite literally putting on Gods armor daily and living in the Spirit and letting go of my desires to follow Gods desires for me. So I can understand the whole idea of not being great and that God is really the only great one. I could get in the box the other day and I was even OK staying it but it still felt like a box. So I asked God to show me how to really understand this humility concept – all while knowing that through God all things are possible and through Antiqua well nothing is. But does this mean I am not a LIGHT (a good person in a far too dark world)?
I asked God to help me understand why I am being asked to get into this box and if he wants me in it. I went to bed asking how can I accept this “truth” and “right way” of being I am being shown. I asked for God to show me and humbly me. I don’t want to be boastful. When I am so truly thankful to be me doing what I feel called to do.
Honestly, the last week has been a challenge. I was walked through a lot of realizations and memories. Feelings of rejection owned and turned around as I saw how I also rejected. Repentance was a big big part of my week as well as feeling and validating why I was blocking God from gifting me His desires, places I was allowing fear to win over His love. This I am surrendering and accepting His gentle hand in healing, renewing and once again offering Him my everything. At first it felt like this box was exactly where I was supposed to be that I deserved this condemnation and that it was coming from God. So I got in, then I was walked deeper away from my own understanding.
I had many Spirit filled people speak words into my heart without them knowing, then as I write this I thought about discernment. I know the Bible says I am a child of the Father and because Jesus died for my sins I am born again in the Spirit. I also trust myself (because God has taught me too) and God enough to know I am covered by Christ blood. And I am walking in the Spirit (that fruit I see in my life and it is growing). I felt I heard God speaking to me today as a friend said, God loves you – you can do no wrong. Immediately, the little voice within me (in the box) said oh yes I can and then I heard the voice (my voice) and was called to the passage I spoke to above Gal. 5-22 and remembered that I am a good person made in the image of God choosing to walk in that image consciously, actively and I know when I do fall I call out to my Father who has promised to pick me up every time.
That is not boasting that is truth given to me by the Holy Spirit and confirmed by my willingness to listen over and over again. For I am in no way blind, I do know that none of this would be possible if it was not for Christ to be within me in Spirit, yet it is awesome and it is so and I could as many have reject this great gift and try to do it all myself and I may even be successful to a certain point, although tired for sure.
After my contemplation I feel like sharing my reply with the world because I feel it is just and maybe you are a Christian wanting to shine and scared to for if you do you do not have the RIGHT to think yourself so highly. Here is my reply! Who am I do deny how wonderfully made I am.
I will OWN IT- I AM A LIGHT because I am a daughter of LIGHT – but more importantly because God has given me peace about the condemnation I felt here lead to Mathew 5 14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that[b] they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. (The Sermon on the Mound – God speaking to his apostles, his children)
My statement about being divinely me and my invitation (by example) to you to embrace being divinely you:
I am that special and I am that Christian – I speak out and am bold about my love for the Trinity of God – the Father, Christ Jesus and the Holy Spirit. For my faith alone God loves me and forgives me and heals me and ……… and I am His daughter 🙂 yeah!! I am a LIGHT in a dark world, because I accept His LOVE, His lead, His molding. Yes, I screw up, but I also go back and seek the love and support and wisdom of my Father for I am committed to be a conduit of His love, his Light in this world, not of this world but living in the Spirit. I will not fall because I believe that God is loyal to His promises and He promises never to forsake me (or you). This does not make me special it makes me willing – willing to be willing to trust, seek and allow God to use me, mold me and hold me for the highest good of all man/women kind, willing to be that used, that is special. You are that special too and can move mountains with God – OWN it, accept it, agree and be all of YOU.
You have the right to choose!
May all POPPIES stand tall (a message from my friend Pam, who did not know this contemplation was within me) – May all LIGHTS shine bright – May LOVE concur all and renew our minds and our spirits in Christ Jesus.
Now I am off to be renewed to spend time in relationship with the most high and to trust that I am here for a BIG AWESOME purpose and so are YOU if you choose to accept it. Embrace You!