I Don’t Want to Spend My Life Studying Red Flags
I Don't Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Studying Red Flags
Have you noticed how much time we spend learning to recognize unhealthy relationships? We're studying narcissism, gaslighting, manipulation, attachment styles, boundaries, and all the things we're supposed to watch out for so we don't end up getting hurt again. And don't get me wrong, I believe understanding these patterns is important. I've spent years helping people recognize the ways they abandon themselves, tolerate unhealthy behavior, and confuse love with something they learned through survival.
But lately I've been thinking, when do we get to stop looking for what's wrong with everyone and start enjoying being alive with people? Because I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life investigating every new friendship like I'm auditioning for the FBI. I want to laugh, go on adventures, have fascinating conversations, and enjoy people without constantly wondering what might go wrong.
Living in Alaska for 24 years taught me some beautiful things about friendship. When I had cancer, people showed up. They brought food, helped with things I couldn't manage, and cleared snow. If you've ever lived in Alaska, you know someone clearing your driveway is practically a declaration of love! Those friendships weren't necessarily built around long conversations about spirituality or personal development, but when life got hard, those people were there.
Moving to Florida has brought a different kind of connection into my life. I've enjoyed drum circles, spiritual conversations, and meeting people who share interests that are deeply meaningful to me. I love being able to talk about consciousness, healing, God, and the mysteries of life with people who get excited about those things too. But I'm also learning that having an amazing conversation with someone and knowing they'll show up when life gets messy aren't necessarily the same thing. Both qualities are valuable, and I don't have to decide after one wonderful afternoon that someone is going to be my new best friend.
That realization has also made me look at how I used to approach relationships. For years, I could become the party girl, the church girl, the responsible one, or whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I was so focused on whether people liked me that I wasn't always stopping to ask whether I genuinely enjoyed being with them. And there's a big difference between being yourself with someone and working really hard to become someone they'll approve of.
These days, I'm much more interested in letting relationships unfold naturally. I want to enjoy the people in front of me, appreciate what we have in common, discover our differences, and give us both room to be who we are. I still value discernment and healthy boundaries, but I don't want everything I know about trauma to become another reason to keep myself from experiencing love, laughter, friendship, and adventure.
So here's something I'd love you to think about. Who in your life makes you laugh until your stomach hurts? Who has shown you through their actions that they're reliable? And who encourages you to grow without needing you to become someone different? They might be three different people, and that's perfectly wonderful.
If you've spent years trying to figure out who you need to be so people will love and accept you, these are meaningful questions to explore in The My Amazing YOU Journal. You might also enjoy my free Identity Shift Blueprint, where we begin looking at the roles and beliefs that have shaped how we see ourselves and relate to others.
Because ultimately, I don't believe healing relationships is about becoming so good at recognizing red flags that we stop letting anyone close. I believe it's about learning to trust ourselves enough to recognize what feels right for us, make choices that honor who we are, and actually enjoy the people we choose to share our lives with.
And now I'm curious. What's something you value in friendship today that you didn't even think about ten years ago? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.
With love,
Dr. Lisha Antiqua
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